I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
