He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
