hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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