i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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