so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
