OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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