I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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