I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
