Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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