Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
