When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
