Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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