You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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