guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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