We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
