"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Randomize
