I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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