I just pynch a tree in the face
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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