I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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