Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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