I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
