Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
