P.S. I can't hear my feet
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
