id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
