You can't special order awesome
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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