the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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