and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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