Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
