weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
