Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
