She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
