my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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