turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
