i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
