Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
