If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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