you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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