I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
i think i have two assholes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
