Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
