Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
