Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
