while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
