it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
wow bdsm is so cute
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