Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
