I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
