I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
