i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
