i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
