I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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