2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
