By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
