You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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