my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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