it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
