My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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