Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
