Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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