I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
