I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
