So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
