You really coming over, don't trick.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
