I cannot find my penis.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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