If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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