The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we're making bets on your personal life
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You ruined the universe
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
