dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
