yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
