how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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