Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
