It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
