theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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