Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
