I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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